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Today I found out that my ex-boyfriend is getting married in three weeks, and I feel like roadkill. Splat. Blammo.
The feelings are not (I dearly hope) because I have lingering feelings for him. They're not even because I had to learn about it on Facebook (with some creative Crate and Barrel Gift Registry snooping). It's because he is getting married first, and therefore he is WINNING.
Don't get me wrong. I love Mike. Our relationship is far less complicated than any relationship I ever had with Z. I am more sure of it, and myself, than I have been in any other relationship I have had. And I deeply, deeply want to be married to him. But maybe that's just it. I am NOT married to him, and now, more than seven years after our breakup, Z. is getting married.
Here are the facts that I know:
* They have been together for more than 3 years.
* They have lived together for more than 2 years.
Just before I moved back from Texas, I tried to rekindle a friendship with Z. I like having friendships with exes. Well, amend that, exes that I like. I like at least being in peripheral contact with them. I thought, hey, I'm moving back to town after more than two years. It would be nice to see each other. We got together at his apartment. He told me (was it then, was it in an email before that?) that he hadn't had a relationship that had lasted longer than six weeks since me. That made me smug. Undeservedly so, but you know. I am a girl. I can sometimes be smug. After all, I had had SEVERAL relationships since him. I even lived with the Lawyer for a year! Quelle Romance. Then he told me he had just started dating someone a few months before. I could probably dig the email out of the archives, but I won't. (Was it an email? Was it a conversation? Who knows.)
All I know is that I moved back, and he never emailed me again. Even though I tried. And not in a creepy stalker ex girlfriend way. Just. You know. A "we live in the same town" way.
And now he's getting married, and I had told him back in 2002, "I hope I don't have to find out you're married from the [college alumni magazine] and he assured me NO, I would not. That was before social networking websites existed and GUESS WHAT? Finding out in that way sucks too. Even though it's not a surprise. Even though I check his girlfriend's social networking page every few months or so to see if pictures of him have been posted. (And, still smug, remark on how his attractiveness has waned in the succeeding years.)
He is getting married before me. I am not allowed to be smug.
The real problem, I think, has nothing to do with him. He's nothing but salt in my wound. I am almost thirty. I love someone very much. I am waiting, waiting to be engaged to him. I would marry him tomorrow if he asked. He even wants to marry me. I know these facts are true but I do not have PROOF. And I watch my friends, married, engaged, pregnant and with babies and I think about how I am almost thirty. I haven't wasted my time, really, but I just thought that by now, by NOW - I don't know.
I'm acting more sullen than I should be.
Mike is at his Grandma's tonight. His brother was in town, briefly. I worked today. He feels frustrated by my winter blahs. I have the winter blahs. Along with my newfound FACTUAL KNOWLEDGE, circumstances have melded to create the perfect storm.
My first real love is getting married, and I want to be getting married too.
The feelings are not (I dearly hope) because I have lingering feelings for him. They're not even because I had to learn about it on Facebook (with some creative Crate and Barrel Gift Registry snooping). It's because he is getting married first, and therefore he is WINNING.
Don't get me wrong. I love Mike. Our relationship is far less complicated than any relationship I ever had with Z. I am more sure of it, and myself, than I have been in any other relationship I have had. And I deeply, deeply want to be married to him. But maybe that's just it. I am NOT married to him, and now, more than seven years after our breakup, Z. is getting married.
Here are the facts that I know:
* They have been together for more than 3 years.
* They have lived together for more than 2 years.
Just before I moved back from Texas, I tried to rekindle a friendship with Z. I like having friendships with exes. Well, amend that, exes that I like. I like at least being in peripheral contact with them. I thought, hey, I'm moving back to town after more than two years. It would be nice to see each other. We got together at his apartment. He told me (was it then, was it in an email before that?) that he hadn't had a relationship that had lasted longer than six weeks since me. That made me smug. Undeservedly so, but you know. I am a girl. I can sometimes be smug. After all, I had had SEVERAL relationships since him. I even lived with the Lawyer for a year! Quelle Romance. Then he told me he had just started dating someone a few months before. I could probably dig the email out of the archives, but I won't. (Was it an email? Was it a conversation? Who knows.)
All I know is that I moved back, and he never emailed me again. Even though I tried. And not in a creepy stalker ex girlfriend way. Just. You know. A "we live in the same town" way.
And now he's getting married, and I had told him back in 2002, "I hope I don't have to find out you're married from the [college alumni magazine] and he assured me NO, I would not. That was before social networking websites existed and GUESS WHAT? Finding out in that way sucks too. Even though it's not a surprise. Even though I check his girlfriend's social networking page every few months or so to see if pictures of him have been posted. (And, still smug, remark on how his attractiveness has waned in the succeeding years.)
He is getting married before me. I am not allowed to be smug.
The real problem, I think, has nothing to do with him. He's nothing but salt in my wound. I am almost thirty. I love someone very much. I am waiting, waiting to be engaged to him. I would marry him tomorrow if he asked. He even wants to marry me. I know these facts are true but I do not have PROOF. And I watch my friends, married, engaged, pregnant and with babies and I think about how I am almost thirty. I haven't wasted my time, really, but I just thought that by now, by NOW - I don't know.
I'm acting more sullen than I should be.
Mike is at his Grandma's tonight. His brother was in town, briefly. I worked today. He feels frustrated by my winter blahs. I have the winter blahs. Along with my newfound FACTUAL KNOWLEDGE, circumstances have melded to create the perfect storm.
My first real love is getting married, and I want to be getting married too.
